Has Anybody Seen...A Niche Dyed Dark Green?

You know, somedays I wonder why I’m blogging. Am I making a difference? Am I provoking thought? Am I teaching anyone anything? Do I have any damn right to try and teach someone something? Who the hell do I think I am? Why do people keep coming back here?

I’ve received quite a few emails from readers who tell me they love my writing, do I do it professionally, “get a job writing, you’re so good at it”, they always learn something new when they come here, I entertain, I’m articulate, clear, concise and get straight to the point, etc.

Bless all of those who have ever said those words to me. I really do thank you. But I just don’t see what you are seeing. About the only thing I agree with is that I get right to the point. I’ve always been that way; direct and this is really the only place my directness has been well received. Usually it gets me into a lot of trouble because, frankly, people want you to ease into it, fill up the time with a lot of flowery talk, sugar coat it, soften the blow. I’m just not like that, never have been, never will be.

I’m the kind that blurts out, “Hey! Your house is on fire!” I just don’t think I could ever be the kind that says, “So, Sally, I was wondering about your home owner’s insurance and wondering if you had any items that were irreplacable in your home. Oh you do? Hmmm. Well, the reason I’m asking is because I’m wondering how you might react if you lost one of those heirlooms by way of....oh, I don’t know...natural disaster or burglery...or....say....a fire that is enveloping your house as we speak...I mean, these things do happen ya know. Well sure, we do what we can to protect ourselves but seriously, flames are licking the siding on the west side of your humble abode at this very moment....”

I try desperately not to compare myself to other writers...many of whom are just phenomenal with their skills. I usually fail at this and sometimes I come across writing that is so beautiful, so perfect, so....just so right that even though they are only talking about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, they do it so well, it makes me want to come back here and erase every last word I’ve ever written purely out of shame.

I’m having one of those days today. I’m not sure what exactly I’m offering anyone here. A different perspective? I guess. But truth be known, I don’t spend a lot of time on this thing. I don’t take a lot of time to write my posts. I’m more of a reactionary than a great writer. I see something, it stirs an emotion, I do a tiny bit of research if I don’t understand a concept and then I come here and spit something out, directly into my publishing panel and click submit.

Maybe that’s why I don’t agree with those who are so kind to tell me they like what I do. Maybe I feel guilty. Maybe I feel like I’m only giving the readers half my efforts. I know I could do better if I really worked on a post for hours or days on end. I can flip through that thesaurus just as well as the next guy. I can discuss my topic in a chat room and get more ideas just like others do. I can write, re-write, re-write again, crumple the whole thing, start over and do about 5 more re-writes until I think it’s perfect and THEN click the button that will allow the entire internet to read what I’ve done but it just doesn’t fit me.

I try to give raw, real time, honest opinions on how I see things, how issues make me feel, what I’ve learned that day, seen that day, done that day. But I’m not sure that it makes for good writing. A friend of mine told me about 7-8 months ago to just “find my niche” for blogging.

You know what?

I still haven’t found it. I thought I wanted to go one direction but when I left a previous topic behind, I didn’t like it. So I jumped back into that topic and then I would read my archives and literally go red in the face at the crap I’ve posted here.

When I switched over to EE and got a nice, new shiny blog out of it, I knew that I wanted to change gears, find something new to talk about, write better, actually have good, solid arguments that were indisputable, and hope that I made people feel good for coming here.

But I just have no idea what/where my niche is. How the hell do you find it? I’m so interested in so many different things. I know a little bit about a lot, as I’ve said before. But surely I must know a lot about something that really interests me that would NOT bore the ever loving tears out of everyone else. Isn’t there something I know more about than someone else?

No. Actually, there just isn’t. And I think that is why I’m having a hard time finding out where I’m supposed to be in this whole ‘sphere....if I’m supposed to be here at all. Who knows, maybe that’s the answer. What I do know is that I haven’t really “tried that hard” and I have discovered that some readers here are amazingly intelligent, incredibly funny and extremely humble....and I feel like I’ve not done my fair share.

No, it’s not writer’s block. I could very easily scan the news outlets and find a plethora of topics to write about, fisk, give attention to....that’s not the problem. The problem is, my writing sucks ass and I’m tired of it sucking because when someone emails me and tells me they enjoy it!!!!! I get a stab of guilt that I could do them better.

As many times as I’ve wanted to completely wipe out my entire archives, I’m going to keep them there to teach myself a lesson, to see if I’ve improved at all and to show myself what garbage looks like. We’ll see what the future brings around these parts but if it ends up being like work, I’m going to stop.

Some tell me I’m clear but I know that I’m not because inevitably, someone or a handful of readers will misinterpret what I’m saying or how I’m trying to come across and I won’t be surprised if some write me and say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself” or some other line about being depressed or whatever it is that people concoct in their minds that I’m feeling or experiencing.

I’m not depressed. I’m not beating myself up. I’m not anything but facing reality. So please do not trivialize this post as, “Oh, the poor girl is feeling down, let me tell her ‘chin up’ and that will help.” I’m not even feeling down...I’m merely realizing that....not to steal from another blogger but....I’m realizing that this blog is full of crap and I want to change that.

So. (Hmmm....maybe I CAN dance around the point for extended periods of time afterall), the point of this post is to say that I have a lot of great readers whom I’m very thankful for and for whom I will do better here and that I’m going to take some time, whether that be hours, days or weeks, (well, I know better than to say ‘weeks’), to see if maybe I CAN figure out what the hell my niche is. I’ve been blogging for over a year, I was laid up for 7 weeks and it has evaded me still. If anyone happens to see it roaming the streets out there, lonely, starving, cold, please let it know that I want it to come home. I would have put out fliers, “NICHE MISSING! PLEASE HELP!” but I have no idea what it looks like. Nonetheless, if you see a niche out there who looks lost, send it on this way....maybe it’s mine. I appreciate it.

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